It Just Goes to Show

Potential Saying of the Day: “The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.”

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I just want to say that when a particular male-gendered person makes a big deal about a particular female-gendered person’s lack of priming a dilapidated chair before spray painting it blue and then the first said male-gendered person doesn’t sand his bench before he varnishes it even though the bench has become fuzzy due to being pressure washed with a high powered mechanical sprayer thingy, then those people must be married.

Just Wait 'Til He Sees What I Did to the Deck at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Won't Be Topless

Potential Saying of the Day: “I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”

~Gilda Radner

My Texas Chic chic Cibby updated my wardrobe with two huge sacks from her closet! And they fit! And mostly look good on me! Which absolutely rocks because I have potential interviews of the media type and feel like the consummate fashion black hole sincerely want to be ready for this terrifying exciting literary adventure.

Maybe They Won't Notice I'm Bottomless at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

A Useful Gadget for the Stressed Out

Who also want to annoy the people around them.

I'M LIKE THE CRYPT KEEPER!

My daughter turned 13 today making me unequivocally this,

With a coolness factor equalling way less than this.

So that makes me normal.

hand over the Geritol and no one gets hurt at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Your Official "Scared Silly" Review of "Ocean's 13"

In this Humble Blog's opinion, regardless of the closed-minded powers that be, this movie deserves this.

It does so due to a direct result of:
1) A sufficient lack of plot,
2) An extreme lack of violence,
3) Stress-less plot twists,
4) And awesome Eye Candy.

Who needs popcorn? at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Yet Another Useful Thing for the Fretful

God Bless Dr. Bach.

I'll take a gallon at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Unbelievable!

Potential Saying of the Day: “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

~George Carlin

Jody The Little Sister and her family was visiting from Washington D.C. (motto: We Have Politicians So You Don't Have To.)

We decided to stop by Southeast Christian Church (motto: Our Foyer Looks More Like an Airport Than a Real Airport), which has a coffee shop and a bookstore. While browsing amongst the shelves (read: “looking for my first book”) a lady came up to me and said, “Marcy Bryan? Hi! I’m Sara the Awesomest Bookstore Manager Ever, and we’ve just pre-ordered your new book! I can't wait! We'll do a book signing and everything.”

OK, she didn’t actually say, “I’m Sara the Awesomest Bookstore Manager Ever”…that was me. Because she is. Even with the Scary Book Signing Idea. Really.

Stunned and awed at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Cool Scripture of the Moment

Hebrews 2:14-15 (New International Version)

Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death (added color, mine).

YEEE HAH! at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Hooray! Gaaack!

Potentially Useful Quote of the Day: “Publicity can be terrible. But only if you don’t have any.”

~Jane Russell

My Awesome Friend Ruth who is a Newspaper Writer and who henceforth shall be called Awesome Writer Friend Ruth got me some “chill” time with Debra The Connected One who seems to know anyone in the business of broadcasting things. Picture Tony of The Sopranos only blond, and …OK…Debra has hair and is not male…but you can kind of understand the metaphor, right? She’s in the BizNess…bro.

Because Southeast had been my Divine Place of Inspiration (meaning I went there for over a month, 5 days a week, sat in their Media Center, and tapped on my keyboard for hours) I had met Debra The Connected One whilst birthing Scared Silly. She said to call her when the book was done… I thought she was just being nice…but she wasn’t. (One Slight Problem: Somehow I thought her name was Cindy or Susan. You can, of course, see that these names are easily confused with Debra…they all are of the feminine gender and made up of two syllables and have vowels in them.)

Thus, with Awesome Writer Friend Ruth's help, it came to pass that I found myself sitting next to Debra The Connected One in her office politely laughing about my misnaming her while we looked over a list of potential names, local media companies, and phone numbers that could take one’s breath away. Which it did. Specifically mine.

I sat gasping for air as she said "stress-relieving" things like: “OK, We’ll call Stations X, Y, and Z…they’ll love having you on their morning shows. Paper X might put you in the Religious section…but I think we could get you into the Features because this is such a huge topic. I know people in the Health Care Industry…why don’t we get some speaking gigs at their weekly health nights. And if we build up your credibility, I’ll call my friend from the Speaker’s Bureau In A Larger City Not Near Here…and if you get in his stable…boy you’ll just be everywhere.”

What happened to Youtube.com and podcasting and unshoweredness?

Hooray?! and Gaaack! at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

What do THEY know, anyway?

According to the Center for Disease Control, the Average American Woman weighs 164.3 pounds.

Several questions come to mind:
a) What do they mean by "average"?
1) Who is this woman? Is she offended at being called "average" by an organization that specializes in things like the measles and male patterned baldness?
b) Why is the Center for Disease Control involved with her?

1) it is a conspiracy or just an uncomfortable friendship?

c) Should we, Spectacular American Women (because we're definitely NOT AVERAGE) be concerned?

1) or just jealous?

WAAAAYYY above average at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Another Useful Thing For the Fretful

Frownies

Key phrase: "Sure they look silly, but who cares if you just sleep in them?"

do the have it in Industrial Strength? at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Too Much Like Me

Potential Quote of the Day: "Don't Panic."

~Douglas Adams

I’ve seen myself reflected in the most horrible of ways…

No, it wasn’t in a warped Wal-mart mirror during an ego-bashing swimsuit search.

Nor was it in an Extra Large Diet Coke after a sleepless night.

It was in the eyes of my terrified daughter during a panic attack.

Oh dear God, how I prayed for this day to never come! Her shallow breathing, her pale face and big eyes, her tears. “I’ve stopped thinking about the future,” she whispered several nights ago. “Because…I’m afraid…I…won’t…have...one...”

This wasn’t her first attack. That one came while she was in Tennessee with Kevin. He performed masterfully, talking her down and finally to sleep. The next day, true to her yammerful-ness, she gave me a blow-by-blow. We chalked it up to unruly hormones. Bad hormones. Baaaad.

But as I held her during the next two nights, desperately trying to put into practice all of the stupid things I had just written a book about…it all felt so insipid. Nothing…no logic…no prayer…no cheerleading…no scripture quotation…nothing could reach her as she waited to die.

She didn’t, of course. But being a wise and caring mom, and...wanting someone else to have to deal with it, I made an appointment with Megh’s Doctor. Well, we couldn’t actually see him because he was on vacation, blissfully unaware of our great need. Instead we were assigned the Substitute Pediatrician. Just want we needed: the B-team to help the precious fruit of my loin fight the biggest thing in her near-teenage life.

The Substitute Pediatrician swept in, listened briefly, performed a perfunctory listening to her heart and lungs and then made his pronouncement which was both amazingly helpful and stunningly profound:

“Do you have (insert list of panic symptoms here)?” Megh nodded emphatically, surprised he knew her so well. “We I think you’re fine and that you’ve got ‘stressed out.’ It's called a "Panic Attack." And I just want you to know that I see so many girls and boys about your age for this very same thing.”

With one phrase, the Substitute Pediatrician not only reinforced everything both Kevin and I said, but somehow, made it into a Magic Wand of Sorts and made everything better. Really.

In fact he made it so better that Megh announced upon leaving that she was hungry and wanted to celebrate her Newly Renewed Lease On Life with Burger King Chicken Fries and Onion Rings. Value sized.

I love that girl.

she's obviously my daughter at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Panic Person's Shopping Dream

This.

Will take a gross at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

I Have to READ It?

Good Quote of the Moment: “I just wrote a book, but don’t go out and buy it yet, because I don’t think it’s finished yet.” Lawrence Welk

Must read Scared Silly yet again. Lynn the Nice Lady Editor says it’s the absolutely last time I will have to do this so I must read it very carefully. But apparently not too carefully…because they really can’t change much now that it’s been laid out for printing. Go figure. Maybe I’ll read it with one eye shut.

As to this being the absolutely last time I will have to read Scared Silly…I have my doubts. I just re-read it a month ago for “flow,” and then a month before that during which I had to answer a bunch of “questions.” In case you’re wondering, when someone like Lynn the Nice Lady Editor has “questions,” it means she has areas of your manuscript that you’re totally sick of that are near and dear to your heart that needs “attention,” or that needs “clarification,” or that needs “fixing,” or that just “sucks” and needs “help.”

Side thought: You’d think that, with the amount of times I’ve read this thing, and being that I wrote it, some of the wisdom therein would sink into my thick skull and I’d be the Most! Adventurous! Person in the World! Ever!

Sigh…I guess I’ll have to read it again. With both eyes open, next time.

Needing serious caffeine at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Saint Kevin

Potentially helpful quote of the Day: "You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going." P.J. O'Rourke

My daughter reached another milestone in becoming (to mis-quote Dave Barry) an Adult Woman of the Female Gender.

This is the milestone that is reached over and over and over again, month after month, if you get my drift.

She was not home when she came upon this milestone.

I was not with her.

Her dad was.

She was rather unprepared, as it were.

He is officially a saint.

Boy, did he earn it at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com

Open Email To Those Who Love Me #2

So…remember how stressed I was that I might have to be my own Shameless Commerce Division for “Scared Silly”?

Remember how difficult and scary it felt?

And how I was going to trust God to take care of getting “Scared Silly” into the hands that needed it because, after all, it was his assignment in the first place and I really, really wanted him to be in charge of it?

Well, I lied.

Not that asking for prayers and ideas was a bad thing. They came pouring in after my last whiny email and offered a plethora of possibilities that seemed plausible and yet totally safe, I mean extremely creative.

Things like:

Making some spots and posting them on YouTube.com..

Making one of the chapters (or part of a chapter) into a Podcast, offering it for free, and then encouraging people to buy the book to get the rest…

Sending a copy to Oprah and Ellen…because…you never know…

Several friends have agreed to let me put the book and the link onto their website…(Thank you Website Owning Friends!)…

Many offered various connecting points (counseling orgs, publishing orgs/seminars, book clubs, etc.)…

And Kristen (who is like a Sister/Daughter) offered to design a website and who shall from hereafter be known as Kristen the Rocking Sister/Daughter because designing a website was so overwhelming that it made me want to pull clumps of Internet-challenged ergo overloaded and twitching brain cells out of my nose with a bendy-straw.

Thanks for all ya’ll’s prayers and thoughts…they were/are wonderful…

But…

Maybe you should stop now.

Because…

I think God is taking you seriously.

OK…Let me just say I thought I was stressed about “doing-it-yourself” pimping, but I was wrong…

Friday brought an email from Standard’s Marketing Lady, Rebekah Stewart, who is, I’m sure, a very nice lady and who said, (and I quote):

Hi Marcy,

I wanted to let you know that we have secured a publicist for Scared Silly. Joni Baker from Buoyancy PR will be handling all aspects of publicity for your title (press release, securing interviews and reviews). I have already given her your contact information and I’m sure she will be contacting you shortly to “get the ball rolling”. As always, if you have any marketing questions, feel free to contact me directly. Thanks.

Let us bow our heads and join with me in saying, “EEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL ASPECTS and SECURING INTERVIEWS! Diet COOOKE! I NEED AN IV! STAT!!

There you have it.

I’m maybe your only friend who is so transparent about being completely fickle. In case you missed it—apparently I can’t be pleased: First haranguing and complaining about not having someone to be in charge of shamelessly commercing this book…and then, after God graciously setting up a Proper Book Pimp, I’m freaking about what she will make me DO!

(I should have known that God had something up his sleeve when I felt like all of my Friend-Generated Ideas were cool AND do-able.)

I hope this Book Pimp Lady actually reads “Scared Silly” so she knows just what kind of wacko she’s dealing with.

BTW: You probably ought to keep praying…God only knows what’s coming next (of course he does!). I’ll probably have to fly.

More than once.

And change planes.

In Chicago.

I bet I’ll even have to shower, too.

I need a Diet Coke.

And some chocolate.

Gratefully, even though it doesn’t sound like it today at: marcyjoybryan@gmail.com