I just returned from attending Kevin’s First Cardiac Rehab visit. Cardiac Rehab is a very special “club” for people with heart disease, or as one of their helpful videos put it, heart “issues.” Kev looked odd being at a facility where most of the club members were approximately the same age as, or possibly older than, Methuselah.
In this "club" you are either "in" or you're "out." And once you're "in" you can't get "out." It is similar to the "well" written and "easily" understood title track by The Eagles called “Hotel California”… (“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leeeaaaave!” Insert the most incredible guitar riff ever here.) We caused a bit of confusion with one nurse because we were new initiants and she had to actually explain how the “rehab” thing worked.
We also committed our first Geriatric Sin Ever by forgetting to bring in his medicines. It wasn’t my fault mind you…I told Kev to do this but he--being the old one, as is typical with those who are thusly--forgot. So the nurse put on her Scoldy Face and told us to remember them the next time we came in, because the doctor can’t change what he doesn’t know. (More Scoldy Face.) When she flipped the page and read it she found each med neatly listed which caused her to put on her Happy Face until I told her I was also giving him herbs, making her find her Uncertain and Professionally Doubtful Face while she tried to spell “Echinacea.”
Remember, I am not a “member” of the Cardiac Rehab Club (motto: “Move Over Methuselah!”) but I have my own little title…I’m a “Thosewith.” As in: “Those with Mr. Bryan…” While the club members experienced fun things like EKG’s and wearing little numbered pouches around their necks (Kev was #6) the “Thosewith” crowd partied in the Patient Education Room. “Partied” here means, “sat silently watching stressful videos about heart disease and heart attacks in which famous people ‘guided’ the viewer from one expert to another who says helpful things like: ‘people with heart disease usually have more than one heart attack in their lifetime.’”
I must admit, many helpful things were gleaned during my wild times in the “Thosewith” crowd. For example: Mike Ditka can get really excited about things like heart clinics and dieticians. And exercise will increase your HDL, lower your LDL, strengthen your heart, clean your blood, prevent all sorts of nasty diseases, and make you rich and famous. OK I made that last part up but according to the video, exercise is the New! Miracle! Cure…it’s like aspirin was 50+ years ago, or Coke was at the turn of the last century when it still had Cocaine in it (motto: “helping you poison your bloodstream for over 100 years!”). Too bad I’m allergic (to exercise, not Coke)—I break out in a sweat just thinking about it! Gaaaack!
Nutritional Side Note: In case you’re wondering, potatoes are not a vegetable; they are Death. This is because they are White. And White is Bad, in this case meaning “given to us by Satan” not “righteously groovy” as exemplified in the song “Bad to the Bone” which was croaked by George Thorogood during the 70's. We, as Americans, have been wrong about potatoes for years. Perhaps it’s because, being a New World Food, spuds have a special place in our psyche. And really it’s an easy mistake to make: In the 50’s Hollywood put the Good Guys in white. Angels are depicted as wearing white. Bread, sugar, and milk—three staples from child hood—were white. Hmmmmm...maybe this “White is Good” business is all part of some Communistic Conspiracy to Overthrow the U.S. Think about it: First came white bread brought over by the British. Then came white sugar that was brought over from the tropics. And milk? Don’t get me started. Because it will lead to the next Evil Food: Animals. Do you know why animals are on the Nutritional White List Of Evilness? It’s not because we’re killing something living and breathing. It’s also not because it’s uncivilized. It’s because animals carry FAT and FAT is Satan Spawn according to this video in which they repeatedly held up “realistic” looking pounds of fat. It reminded me of …of…Oh let’s face it, that gunk was just gross. And I just can’t understand how something that nasty can look so good on me! (Insert hollow laughter here.)
Another video showed “re-enactments” of people who had heart attacks and how they felt and acted. One guy acted “out of breath” just like Kevin! He even said the same things! But unlike Video Heart Attack Man's concerned and loving wife who took him directly to ER, I told Kevin that he was just old, out of shape, and annoying! And then I made him walk again the next night! Just call me Nurse Death Marcy! I know there were at least 5 or 6 times when he acted just like Video Heart Attack Man and each time I fussed at him. You can tell that compassion is one of my more obvious gifts.
