Possible Saying of the Day: “Movie making is the intense, frenetic activity of a highly (or not) trained group of people in an attempt to stay one step ahead of total chaos and anarchy for great lengths of time. When it’s good, it’s magic. When it’s bad, it’s a train wreck.”
~Me!
I became a movie star the other day. OK, it wasn’t actually day--my moment of “acting glory” came in the dead of the night. And by "movie star" and “acting glory” I mean “Doing Something That Is Almost Like Acting Only Without the Emotion, or Action, or Believability.”
Please know: I did not choose to stay up all night with gunk all over my face, a turban on my head, inhaling campfire smoke and trying to not goof up my two lines…I was snookered.
Here’s how it happened:
We make movies.
Lengthy Side Note Warning: In order to make movies you must first learn to say everything using Cool Movie Language. For example, Movie Husband Kevin is known “on set” as Director of Photography or the DP instead of the more understandable “camera guy.” “On set” is Cool Movie Language (CML) for the place where they are using the camera, and hopefully recording stuff onto a videotape or film reel. I say “hopefully” because the process of movie making is very slow and “iffy.” You never know how the shooting will go…especially if you have children in the shot, or animals, or, for that matter people, weather, or objects. It’s a miracle that anything gets “in the can.” “In the can” is CML for the recording of the acting onto the video or film.
There are a few other words that you should know: “Craft services” has nothing to do with sewing or scrapbooking but rather food, a “grip” isn’t necessarily something anyone “on set” can do with their hands, it’s a very special person who handles the lighting and electricity. “PA’s” are not related to Pennsylvania but are people (usually young, strong, and desperate to be in filmmaking) who do all of the grunt work like moving dirt or helping to carry things on or off the “set.”
Let’s see, there’s the “Focus Puller” who actually does focus the camera but twists a knob instead of pulling it. There’s the 1st AD who does deal with time (get it, 1 AD? Yeah, movie humor…it’s intense.) but she watches to make sure the production stays on schedule (among many, many other things). In our production, we call our 1st AD “Mudda” because she has to take care of us all. There’s also the Dolley Grip who doesn’t go around hugging toys, but has to move a wheeled platform (called a Dolley) smoothly so the camera will look like it’s floating. We are using several camera methods, the most space age is the SteadiCam in which a person straps on a large black device which actually makes the camera “float.” SteadiCam people are very proud of what they do and they’ve tried to tell me how it works, but I can’t remember. If you really need to understand, consider yourself a geek and go here. End of Lengthy Side Note.
Although City On a Hill Productions is a Movie Company, it is also a non-profit, and as such survives primarily because of a group of insane loving and generous people called “volunteers.” And once you are a volunteer with “City” you are put on a list that will provide all sorts of future abuse opportunities to serve and experience the intense pain joy of working in hideous challenging conditions for free eternal rewards.
As a result I was asked to be an “accuser” in a film series about Jesus’ crucifixion. The important thing you must understand—which I didn’t at the time—“accusers” had to “accuse,” translated I actually had to say something. Somehow I thought I was part of a large group of people yelling. That sounded like something I could do: disappear into a crowd of raggy-dressed extras and shout. But I got to the makeup tent and it was announced, “One of the accusers is here!” and I was scuttled off to get my face done. I overheard people (and there were a lot of people putting on costumes and makeup) talking about how filming tonight would be “live”—which is also another word for “hot” meaning that they were going to tape people’s voices as well as their actions. Hmmmm…I thought, I wonder who’s that poor sucker who’s got to speak and act.
But it wasn’t until I was down at the set itself that I realized that I was one of four poor suckers who had to speak and act.
But that wasn’t enough…I had to speak, act and do choreography, which in this case
consisted of walking and bumping into Tony (who played Peter) strategically, AND THEN say my lines. (“Say, I know you [turn to look at my friends] He’s a friend of Jesus!”) Then follow Peter up the street, turn and glare at him as he retreats.
Acting was difficult because myself and one of the extras are Smoke Magnets. No matter where we stood, the excessive smoke from our little fire lovingly enveloped and caressed our faces. We spent more time gasping for breath than anything.
In the end, the shot was “got” and, more importantly, I didn't mess up, and another story from My (Whatever!) Movie Life was ready to tell.
