New Year's Resolutions No More!

Well, January is nearly over so it's time to finally give up on those New Year's resolutions you made (“resolutions” here means "things everyone else is thinking you should change or do"). If you're like me, each year these "resolutions" get "written down" (meaning "told to a stranger in the checkout line but definitely NOT your mom or husband or someone who will actually make you do them"), and, by the time MLK Day rolls around (or at latest Valentine’s Day), they are happily forgotten.

We Bryans don't do resolutions for the very reason that "resolution" can be hard to say, especially with braces, and that it often has the automatic expectation unaccomplishment. We (meaning “I”), instead, want to Get! Er! Done! So we use the much more guiltifying concept of "goal." Goals are great because you can start them any time and you can revise them whenever you'd like... but no matter what, "goals" tend to hang over your head letting you know that you've got something to do but that you probably won't get done.

We dutifully made a handful of goals this year. Among them: Megh will eat 2 veggies a day, I am to blog once a week and walk 15 minutes every other day, and Kev’s to be nice and non-cynical. These examples display the obvious difference between resolutions and goals. Goals are mostly measurable and can be accomplished.

But after review, I think I have set my sights too low. And since it’s Time! For! Change! instead of blogging and walking, I’m going to attempt excel lance at something I should have started years ago. And I believe, if I try hard enough, it could become A Gift!

In case you’d like to join me, the goal for various aspect of daily life is listed below along with several easy-to-do action steps. Feel free to print the lists out and post in visible places thus not only maintaining a high level of inspiration but also allowing friends and family to be well aware of your intentions.
Overall Goal: This Year I’m Going to Irritate.
This year I’m going to irritate my friends and co-workers.
Potential easy-to-do (and measurable!) action steps:
• Find out when my friends’ favorite TV programs are on. Call them seven minutes after each show starts. Do this weekly.
• Expel bodily gasses in confined spaces. But only if other people are present. Blame it on my “condition” which is probably not “contagious.” A diet of beans will help accomplish this.
• Openly and loudly take credit for successes that have nothing to do with me or my abilities. Name-drop freely but only if it can’t be traced.
• Follow a few paces behind someone (pick a new person each week!) and ask, “Are you feeling alright?” while spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
• Finish as many sentences possible with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
• When I make presentations, I will occasionally bob my head. Like a parakeet. Must choose to do this straight faced or smiling like a loony.
• Deliberately hum songs that will take over other people’s brain. Pick a new one every week or month, depending on the reaction. Some possibilities are “Feliz Navidad” (but only January, February. and March), “Muskrat Love” (as sung by the Captain and Tenille), or anything sung by Barry Manilow. Research annoying songs from the 90’s to add to repertoire.
• Drum on every available surface.

This year I’m going to irritate those I love.
Potential easy-to-do (and measurable!) action steps:
• Learn to snore. (Research possible “how-to’s” on the Internet.)
• Leave late for appointments. Do so especially if I’m with family. And it’s something they really want to attend. Blame it on being a “slave to fashion.”
• Have the last word as often as possible. (Raise the stakes by making that last word “Idiot” or “Duh!”)
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. (May need to purchase my own “universal” sneaky remote to accomplish this.)
• Hide can opener. When visiting friends’ homes, hide theirs. If I can’t hide the can opener, hide something else of interest, like car keys.
• Adjust the tint on the TV so that all the people are green, and tell Kevin either 1) that I like it that way or 2) he would leave it like that if he really loved me.
• Push all of Megh’s flat Lego pieces together tightly. Blame it on the neighborhood kids.
• Drum on every available surface.

This year I’m going to irritate complete strangers.
Potential easy-to-do (and measurable!) action steps:
• Go to a movie alone. Sit near other people. Talk out loud (in an argumentative fashion) to myself. Tailor the argument around something in the movie. (Best done while watching dramas like “Gran Torino” or “Valkyrie.”)
• On the way out of the movie, (especially if there’s a line waiting to go in), discuss the ending in a loud voice. It’s best if you can strike up a conversation with a stranger and make it look like they went to the movies with you.
• (Keep in mind while traveling.) Pay toll fee with a credit card. Especially effective if done during rush hour.
• Deface bar codes of items in my shopping cart so they won’t scan. Use with either cashier or U-Scan-It line. Ask for help every 30 seconds or so.
• Leave turn signal on for 50 miles (if on a trip) or 15 minutes (if driving in town). Turn it off for a mile or so and then turn it back on for another 50 miles (or 15 minutes). Do this only if you have people behind you.
• Schedule once a month (at least) to find a pedestrian crossing during rush hour and repeatedly push the cross walk button. Never actually cross the road.
• Sit in front yard (or in car at lunch near a busy road) and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Pick up dark wire-rimmed sunglasses to help with the effect.
• Honk and wave randomly. But only to people who can see you and try to figure out if they know you.
• Become a politician.
• Drum on every available surface.

This year I’m going to irritate people at restaurants.
Potential easy-to-do (and measurable!) action steps:
• Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
• Schedule time to visit nice restaurants twice a month. Decline to be seated, instead eat the complimentary mints by the cash register. Stay there through the dinner rush.
• Pay for my dinner once a month with pennies.
• When possible, ask waitress for an extra seat for my “imaginary friend.”
• Drum on every available surface.

This year I’m going to irritate people I email.
Potential easy-to-do (and measurable!) action steps:
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Pass along everything that comes into my email box to at least 10 people on my list (It’s better if you can send it to everyone). Make sure the addresses to whom you are sending in the mass email can be seen and add the obligatory “curse if you do not forward to 10 people” tag at the end of the email.


This year I will construct an irritating lifestyle.
Potential easy-to-do (and measurable!) action steps:
• Remember a friend is only an enemy I haven’t upset yet. Watch for possible indicators that might suggest the tide is turning. Accentuate any behaviors that might increase those indicators.
• Practice smiling blandly at least 3 day a week. Build up to 6. It’s both an unsettling and irritating behavior—a double bonus.
• Remember that there is absolutely no point in talking about someone behind their back unless they get to hear about it, so be strategic in who you talk to and about whom. If in doubt, leave notes about the conversation lying about.
• Practice “Carpe Diem.” From the Latin “carpe”—to carp or whine, and “diem”—meaning daily, hence “carpe diem”—whine daily.
• Sniff incessantly. Do it especially while people are talking. Increase or decrease its frequency on whether agree or disagree with what they are saying. Start off by sniffing only when talking to strangers and then add friends and family as you become more adept.
• Wear a LOT of cologne. Buy it at the dollar store.
• Drum on every available surface.

I do apologize for such a long post. But if one person can be helped using these goals and action steps then, I think you’ll agree with me it’s well worth it.

It's a Whole New Me! at: marcyjoybryan@elkcreek.net